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JEFF!!!

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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2006|03:17 am]
JEFF!!!
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |Taking Back Sunday]

Im thinking about deleting this account. For real this time.

There is this one song that I listen to every once in a while. Each time I hear it... i relate to it even more and more. Now it is just kind of creepy yet it is truly a great song. Even the title. Thats all i need to say. Look up the lyrics if you are ever interested.

Taking Back Sunday. "Your So Last Summer"
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I am all packed up [Jun. 21st, 2006|09:39 pm]
JEFF!!!
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Angels and Airwaves "Distraction"]

continue to do what you need to. I will do what I need to. Carving my way to my future, setting my path to make history. i wish i wasn't forced to leave like that, but some things come with consequence. I became your burden when it was your head on my shoulder.
Inside i know you care, and i know that you cant show it. but aknowledge me. know that i exist and that i respect everything you all have done.
But now it is time to run, fast and far. Now away from fear but toward future. I just wish I had you running by my side but i was forced to leave you behind. This is my race, my glory. You have your race and i wish you the best of luck.
I laugh when I look back because of how things are. Show me a parallel universe and I show you reality. I show you people who are more advanced and I accept them for that. I do my own thing.
I don't care what path is ahead of me, or the number of forks or shortcuts there are in the road. I am just comfortable with this pace. This pace will carry my body even when I want to give up my race. We never quit.
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It's no lie... [Jun. 17th, 2006|12:25 pm]
JEFF!!!
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |"Over my head (cable car)"]

It's no lie that it is very hard to get over someone. People can say time and time again that they are over some1 but it just isnt that easy. This is the first time i have seen some1 that I used to care more about than anything in the world. It is wierd, because as much as i want to be that friend who is there for her, i just want to push her back and make her feel for ONE WEEKEND how i've felt over these last ten months. But i am not that asshole, so i bite my tongue, smile, and be that friend that she needs.
But when the time actually comes, i found myself in a spot that i have seen other people in soo many times. We are at opposite sides of the party... routinely trading glances back at each other. its just... not easy.
I beg for anything to get me out of this rut that i am... either its get over her or get her... and there is only one option right now. But how do i get that momentum going?
Early in my trip there were these subtle signs that said i probably shouldnt have been in town the time i am. But keep an eye out for the unexpected, because the totally unexpected happened , good and bad, last night and that is a big help i needed to get over her and keep my confidence up. Dont look, things come to you.

AHH blah
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(no subject) [May. 23rd, 2006|02:34 pm]
JEFF!!!
[mood |satisfiedReminiscent]
[music |Sugarcult]

"memories are like your photographs, they remind you of the past...but they dont bring you to that moment again"

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Can I be your enemy?
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
(I'd be your memory)
Feelings disappeared.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?
Can I be your memory?
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(no subject) [May. 21st, 2006|11:05 pm]
JEFF!!!
[mood |blahblah]

so yea... bought an ipod shuffle today...


"Over My Head (Cable Car)"

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind
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(no subject) [May. 18th, 2006|04:12 pm]
JEFF!!!
[mood |depresseddepressed]

all i need to say is... iv been a sucky friend lately. But i really need you around and not upset with me because honestly, i cant get a good night sleep or eat a solid meal knowing that you are seriously that mad and disappointed with me. I value the friendship, i dont want to barrage it with this.
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(no subject) [May. 14th, 2006|02:07 pm]
JEFF!!!
[mood |confusedconfused]

So i dunno, i guess at times that it is just best to shut the fuck up at times, and pretty much telling me to not talk is not helpful. How can i just ignore these million thoughts and emotions that I feel at one time? Telling me that I overtalk things doesnt help. Basically it comes across as saying that you really just dont care enough to talk, nor do you care how i feel about things.
Its one thing to say who you want to be,and not to count on shit happening, its another thing to do the complete opposite... and right now that is the only thing the biffs me right now.
I want to live in tucson this summer, but at the same time i would rather get away. camping? i dunno, but i ask the lord and my best friend to help me through this, because im getting depressed for no apparent reason- and yea i feel like im going through some emotional trials and tribulations right now.

Lord, tell me what to do, to make my actions and relationships the best they can possibly be, to not live with regrets, and to understand and compensate my feelings for the actions of others that i care for, all of them. And i won't go anywhere without them in my thoughts and prayers.

Im not really mad or upset about how things chage... they're expected. its just swell seeing people move on and grow up while really not showing signs of caring or giving a living fuck about me.

Im writing this beause im sick of feeling like i should be walked on simply because i care. Why dont you seem like you care? What kind of effort of truly being there for me do you make with me?

Don't get me wrong. I love them with all my heart. Unfortunately it apparently wasn't the right time nor the right place to fall for someone. I would give the person any chance in the world, and i probably still wil, and if they ever wanted to be treated with the utmost respect, its there. But they are afraid of that. And i am just afriad. afraid i wouldnt ever be good enough for anyone who would lay their eyes upon me, because i am not up to par. Because i care. Not because im an ass or im too wrong. It is beause i care.
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(no subject) [May. 12th, 2006|03:45 pm]
JEFF!!!
[mood |lonelysuper lonely]
[music |"MakeDamnSure" by Taking Back Sunday]

From an entry on Feb 12, 2005...
"Now i just got news from some1 that makes me feel even more alone in this world... thats it...im gonna crack
Its funny how people try to tell you news, and the news is great to them but for some reason it just crushes you. pushes you into the ground and rubs your face in the dirt. I know is isnt their intent... but damn that news hurts .
I need to excape far away."

Deja Vu.

I just read Matt's post about the last year and i have to say that i agree. But instead of rebirth with new friends... i have been fighting an uphill battle to not lose them. This last year and a half is too real and i grew up alot yea true...but not nearly enough to make me feel like i am an average 19 year old. And now i really dont feel like the average 19 year old.
I am happy to know that Lizzie repsects me enough to talk to me, even tough we havent been talking all too much this last month due to lack of time. I really appreciate the gal, you know... as most people probably do ( and if you people don't know, she is kindof a big deal) lol. As long as she knows that im here for her, even though i live in phoenix... then all is well i guess
I guess you can call me a slow mover, yet a fast forgiver. There are some things athat really shouldnt be forgiven i guess... and i guess i just realize what those things should be.
I felt something that i havent felt in a really long time... someone using my shoulder to cry on, and i really dont know what is harder. watching someone you care for cry, watching people move on happily ever after, or realizing that im not even moving on.
I dont know what to expect out of this summer... im scared, because i won't have the people i love close to me. I am here as a friend first... and whatever second. It will always be like that, because i wouldnt want to jeopardize anything with anyone. But mainly i wouldnt want to jeopardize the clostest of friendships i have. I am here to talk to, and glad that is utilized.

Im learning to cope.
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April 1? you know what that means. . . [Apr. 1st, 2006|09:54 am]
JEFF!!!
[mood |bouncybouncy]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LIZZIE!!!!!!
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(no subject) [Mar. 9th, 2006|11:55 am]
JEFF!!!
[mood |intimidatedintimidated]
[music |Mad World - Michael Andrews]

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world
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